with me

Nov 1998


nice girls so hard to find
though many of them blow my mind
they're always so so soon snapped up
and gone

and once or twice a magic girl
with mind and spirit
does unfurl
my mind

with song of deep awakening
and stomach gripping aching me
and yearn and yearn and find no peace in words

but i will be here patiently
and yearn alone expectantly
oh hoping soon my girl to see

so long of leg and perfectly
oh woman i want you to be
i need i need for you to be

with me

I hate him

Nov 1998

i see him quite often sometimes
across the street
he is not so repulsive from there
and sometimes i stop and look
and he looks back

we don't often speak
we have, but the words
typicallly an echo of sneery grunts
for i do not like him
nor he me

i see him up close sometimes
then i am driven almost to hate
his uglyness,
his face a mask of pent up pain and sorrow
finds no pity in me

sometimes it is many months between
our meetings face to face
and almost i do not know him
but those eyes, he can not hide form me
and i always turn and walk away

i've known him a long time
i used to think he was pretty cool
smart, good looking, quick of wit
and even good with girls
i even loved his skill with sounds

but that was long ago
his past crimes have led me to dispise his ways
to hate him to his face
to laugh at his self esteem
for i know better, ah yes i do

i wish that we would never meet again
and death to him seems to me so just
and way way late in coming
i've contemplated
yes, i've thought to take his life

but i am not so good myself
and i have never found the strength of will
or courage
to do this deed so due
so i just wait and hope

i hope it will not be long

Ode to Wild Oscar

Nov 1998


what swelling is this?
this chest that once was shrunken
super-vacuum heart-hole

what sound is this?
a pattern?
a rythem that once, yes, i know that pattern

but is this just another case of chase
and catch and scratch?
snatch?

do i let my nose lead me?
my mind surely knows where my heart has been
come out?

what feelings are these
fear
simple fear, reluctance
quell, push it down escape escape

run - do not let it happen again
fool
listen to your head it knows

listen to your head
hello?
is there anybody there? Coowee?

poor sod
he'll never learn
some poof said it best, well may he rest

מים חיים (maim chaim - water of life)

April 1999

i seek a refuge of the mind 

a haven of the soul 

that place where standing i can rest 

or sit in peace 

there are no easy places 

there seems no hidden parks 

no solace in reason 

no rest from who i am 

but here and there an island 

elusive 

calls with salted tang of green and lush 

and i am called to stroke 

verdant moist and coolness high 

promise of clean and flowing crystal sounds of light 

that break in splendour on harsh rocks 

made luring, livid - splash of freedom 

where others dwell in soft acceptance 

there i go 

and who will be there i don't know 

enormous clouds make play of my mind 

perhaps you know?

A closed and empty hall

Nov 1998

how months and years can pass me by and leave me yet unchanged

the pain an open wounded heart unburied still remains

and all the feelings flooding back that sweep and let me fall

amid the ruin of my grief a closed and empty hall

i pace the room and think of you then try and try to sleep

my wearied eyes and aching hands no task that calls can keep

and when i shake the tempest off and finally look 'round

a week or month has passed again but nothing have i found

i hate these little deaths that come without the dreams of sleep

without the end that calls to me for which i sometimes weep

the waking from them leaves me cold and lost and deep in dread

that years of this may come and go - much better to be dead

but it is not God' way i'm told and all the sages say

and so i wash my face and try to face another day

the mirror shows me growing old an empty room behind

an empty house an empty heart a closed and empty mind

these lines are all i find to lance and let my feelings out

to let my grief and ageless loss become a silent shout

this scream perhaps will echo from some distant valley wall

and find a way to break into a closed and empty hall

And praise Ha Shem

Nov 1998


i'm a dad and when i die
i do not wish my friends to cry
i do not wish my child to sit
nor enemies to think of it
perhaps each one in place of tears
or smiles that come throughout the years
might take a coin maybe a note
and to some lowly beggar quote
"rise up you lot and praise Ha'Sh-m"

I ask you all to think of them
those worlds that passed before
each world a mighty universe
that goes on dor l'dor
for they am i and we are they
and all of us belong
to All that is and All that was
so death ends not our song
rise up your lot and praise Ha'Sh-m

and when you do, hear my amen

murray

1998


in the end
i ripped words from my soul
and threw them smouldering at your feet
you turned and ran in fear
looking down i saw what i had done
a shattered and useless heart
i have tried to fix it
i have tried to hide it from myself
it cut my hands


i wander very lost
all directions are the same


none lead back to you


i might as well seek one wave in the sea


one little wave

Italian business

1998

it's all become so pointless
the reasons all so vague
the "why"s have all just faded
even "why not"s are a plague

another dingy hotel room
a long way from my home
another foreign boring meal
eaten on my own

another day with driven youths
all stary eye'd and keen
another faded afternoon
the morning quite unseen

and watching old and ugly men
wash down their pasta meals
with cheap and nasty hotel wine
i wonder how that feels

and soon i'll trudge up to my bed
alone with CNN
it's all that i can understand
though it drives me round the bend

at least the French have BBC
and cheap and goodly wine
but what-the-hell i'll read and sleep
and dream my dreams divine

Beggars on a Train

1998

She can't have been more than seven
an "almost" accordion
tunelessly, noisily but not loud
clutched in her little hands

she came to each of us
her eyes looking, seeing, knowing
- to me she held out her hand
and maybe 30 francs i gave
she ran back to the old women
old before their time

she showed them the riches in her hand
looking to me with a smile
they all looked

soon, the oldest woman was sitting,
staring, pleading
across from me
i did not know her words
but her meaning was clear
3 children, i have 3 children to feed

again i gave
more she pleaded
until i was without change
enough only to escape
still the guilt of my meager wealth i felt

she had eyes still quite beautiful
quite beautiful

Where do we Go?

1998

where do we go to Lord?
on our wings of steel
an ever increasing flock of folk
building need on action
Babel towers
cities beyond the dreams of our fathers
and our birds beyond belief
fly from each to each
unending
and i only one

So many Lord

1998

So many
so very very many
we fulfilled the Clause Lord
we went forth and multiplied
what now Your plan
for us?
or do You scratch Your Head
like me?

(i know that You do not scratch
but do You itch a little?)

If only i could paint

1998

the morning light in Paris
inspires me
even ugly ticky-tacky
has beauty in this light
soft and gentle
clean, defining
ah, if only i could paint

to a poet

1998

i grew up with your songs
i sang them too (and played)
your Donna made me cry
and still, at times
the wind you sought to catch
is the very same that blows
through the corridors of my life

and then i met you - hale and hearty still
and though i tried
to say how much you meant
i could not find the way
my commitments took me
and you are gone

a moment treasured
and another moment lost
be well my friend
be well and sing your poems
for such as you
come only time to time



I was working in Rome - i'd been flown there from Melbourne after having only had one day to recover from having returned from France. I was pretty tired. The company i was working for had put me up at a hotel near to where i had to work for the whole weekend. It was pretty nice. It was there that i first experienced one of the most divine dishes i have every had - "three cheeses" pasta. Words can not do justice to that meal. I remember taking some from the buffet expecting it would be like some pasta i had had in Australia - just so so. But when i got back to my table and forked a little into my mouth my whole life changed. It was just so totally overwhelming. Delicious does not describe it. It was literally life changing.

The next evening i went back for more - that was i think the Friday. The hotel restaurant was almost empty. I sat alone with a book and took a sip of my wine while i looked around. There was another man, bearded, sitting alone at a nearby table - i lifted my glass in greeting to him and he beckoned me over to join him.

We sat and ate and drank wine and talked for hours about life after having introduced each other by first name. He was really quite delightful - very interested in everything i was doing and what i had done. The talk drifted to how i had played music for years before i had started my IT business. He asked me a lot about music and it was not long before i was telling him about those musicians who had most influenced me. At one stage i even sang him one of my favorite songs "Donna" by Donovan.

He smiled at that and said that i had sung the song really well. There was something about that smile. Donovan. That was the name he had given me when we introduced ourselves.

THAT Donovan!

I was embarrassed to have not recognized him but he was so much older than the very young man i had only known from  record covers. He laughed it off.

He asked me if i could still play the mandolin. I told him yes indeed, it's been one of my greatest loves. Then he asked me if i would like to come and join him on stage for his concert the next night. He would provide me with a mandolin.

Me? On stage with Donovan? Are you kidding? Yes oh yes yes please.

Oh what a total fool am i. You know, the following day i had to work on a sale that required a lot of technical input at Italy's biggest telecommunications company - and they had supplied me with a whole team of technical people to work with. All through the time i was there i knew but would not admit to myself that the sale would go nowhere - that these conniving Italians were just bleeding me of all i knew of the technology so they could build their own version of what i had done. I knew it yet i kept at it even when on Saturday the work dragged on and on and as the deadline for me to leave to go to the concert drew near and passed i became more and more depressed.

I never got to go and play the mandolin for Donovan. I never even got to see him again because the next day i had to fly out again to go to France.

So sorry Donovan - if you ever read this i hope you know that i have regretted missing that opportunity ever since.

But thanks so much for what you did give me because that was a great night and not because you are "Donovan" but because it was the only time in all my travels that i enjoyed dining with someone so gracious and friendly.

p

New Idolatry

1998

We squabble for the pennies of the poor
our towers of glass and steel?
cathedrals - nothing more
our hymns? - commercial jingles
our "priests" are CEO's
and all of us bow down to growth
who are we?
heaven knows.

Lord i blunder

1998

Lord i Blunder
    do you wonder why i fail?
i am less than perfect Lord
my skill with people is as war
for i fear all and myself most

Lord i fail
    to make each moment wonderful
i have given hurt and insult
i am so often neglectful
of the feelings and needs of others

Lord i cry
    and why when all your work astounds?
for myself yes - and for others, for all my kind
their pain and loss and their fear
i feel it all Lord and stagger from the weight

Lord i die
    and who am i to hope for otherwise?
i feel it coming, each second, minute, hour
the end is not far away and what have i done?
what good have i been?

what tasks for me Lord?
   that will make what little is left of value?

Oh Sleep

1998

Oh Sleep
escape from all my pain
come, let us walk together
i can not stand
or sit
in peace
awake

Crowded Airport

1998

sadness and wonder build up inside me
sitting, watching, listening
amid thousands of moving faces
worlds each, as mine

how can i feel anything but alone
amid so many?

I've looked for a familiar face
but all are
and none at all

i've searched the eyes of others
a flicker of companionship
but each world focuses on itself
and i am alone with mine
and it feels empty
and hollow

who will be my star?

1998

they see me as i try to be
full of life, positive, supportive
i give and give
for they are children lost as i
and every little helps
but alone, after
this me, the one alone
despairs and trembles
for who will guide me
who will be my star?

"I have a dream"

1998

"I have a dream" he said
i thought "big deal"
but he was serious
and sought again to share his dream
i walked away
he stood and watched me go
for i looked back
suddenly angry at the troubled look
in his eyes

Another offered me his dream to share
and he too i denied
and looking back i wonder why
for he is now a mighty name

others came and went
and all i declined
for i was not a man to share
what another freely offered from his heart

and now?

i walk amid my fellow man
"i have a dream" i say
but their eyes lack faith
and i watch them go
sadness in my heart
for now i know

Transit Lounge in Hong Kong

1998

Transit Lounge in Hong Kong
Lord i hate this place
please Lord send me an Aussie
or a familiar Kiwi face
a Pom would do (but not a yank)
a German would be fine
Just any English speaking sod
or soon i'll lose my mind

pain

1998

an outcast
from earliest memories
a fringe dweller
tarred with the brush of many hatreds
no group to call mine
not even one besmeared by aeons

the street welcomed me, the gutter
then years of self neglect
and "sin" that to us was life
and further, deeper, lower
so that even my mother
did not know me

you slept in feathered comfort
and I shivered on a grave
you ate your fill of plenty
my last penny bought sour milk
you had an education
I stole books and hid them from my peers
you went to piano lessons
I breathed life into the mouth of a dying junky

I finally sought death full throttle
Hess and Nitche cheered me on
and I'd have found that sweetness too
but Gods plan is strange
so to me a son
and a wife from a long dead mother
and I had to struggle on

and I did it too
climbed slowly up, often falling
clawing, dragging others on my way
and earning never any praise
or comfort or ease
for my peers did not see what I had done
or did not care

and many many hard hard years
(the tracks now all are healed)
and made I others greater than they could have known
but what gave they me?
calumny and selfishness and greed
and from the heights I'd climbed
I painfully looked down
and saw I'd come but a single step

now? I've lived, I really have
I've seen the world and built
raised a family and traded fairly
made that others might live too
and still in humble clothes I tread
not caring for the trappings
nor for the praise
giving freely even my last pennies to the poor

so why this?
I had never expected anything in life but death
and hid my heart deep deep deep inside
until one day a stranger who like me had climbed
dug out my heart and gave me back a life
but Gods plans are strange again
for it was not to be
and from my lofty place I fell
and fell and fell
and I am falling still

and for the first time
I know real pain

An infinite surprise of poets

1998

Gods gift: our soul, peeks out sometimes
when poets fall in love
for every cell of being cries
the praise of God above
and from such love come mighty things
an infinite surprise
of poets new who'll speak of love
and open all our eyes

I have no words

1998

an outcast
i have no words of worth
only these
pointless ramblings of a confused fool

i have no direction to go
each way leads to nowhere
and i feel tugged violently there

i have no heart or warmth
a hole, an emptyness
a place to hold despair

i have no worth, no value
what point to help others
when any action could lead to disaster

i have no soul, no God
for i am outcast
no korban can ever be enough

i have no future to see
there is darkness only
and vision has left me

i have no more words at all

After a death

Strange man it seems
There is a constant flow of people in and out
all giving support to the widow
I talk to some and it seems that none of them ever really listened to him
They knew him as the man they'd take their lawn-mower to and he'd fix it
They had "known" him for many years
yet they did not know him at all
I used to go over when he and i were both alone
and we would sip whiskey and i'd listen to his stories
he had had such an amazing life i could listen for hours
he and i used to agree on so many things and i felt very comfortable with him
i never bothered him with my own affairs (i was after all the younger man)
though he would generously ask about how my business was going
because i travel so much now i always dropped off something for him on my return
sometimes cigarettes, other times a "loto" ticket from abroad
i'd been away a long time recently and had not seen him
i guess i should have noticed he was not around much the week i came back
i sought him out a few times as i usually do, hanging 'round the woodpile
waiting to see him come out of the house
i though not much of it
so full of my own troubles

we talked of God once or twice
he claimed a strange agnosticism that was both deeply spiritual and quaint
in his own way he was at peace with the universe
but something changed while i was away
and i was no help when he obviously needed it
now i look at my changed world
changed not just by his death but so many other things
and wonder what's for me and mine
i guess i will stick around a while
a Steppenwolf
a watcher
what else can i do?

(Ah Paganini do i hear you call?)

why do you not seek me out?

1998


I know that you are lonely
like me you feel alone
and we are not the only ones
from whom the "life" as flown

but really you revel in it
(or you and I would meet)
for something stops you wanting love
(so why then do you bleat?)

I'm alone, and cry for help
for just a quiet friend
who'll care not "what" i am or "who"
and seeks no other end

a quiet friend to share some words
a true and honest test
of what lies at the heart of you
and what in me is best

cry out to me I beg of you
cry out and call my name
cry out to me when you're in need
cry out when you're aflame

but no, I think we'll never meet
we'll never share some time
we'll never find a common ground
and it seems to me a crime

for I will sit and click and hope
that mail to me has come
from someone who has thoughts of me
oh God let there be some

Oh God let there be some

Let he who is without sin

They have come. They came in quiet groups, some alone, others with their children. Sitting here on the hard ground, numb from my night in the cold, numb from all the months of turmoil and pain, i thought at first that they had tied me here to spend the night in contemplation of my sin - but now i see their eyes i know that it was not so. They, it seems, are the ones about to die. There is pain in every face. Even the children seem to understand. I feel a cold tear form and role down my face as my gaze meets the eyes of the ones i have hurt. I look for hatred and maybe it is there but i see only pain.

The first man stoops and picks up a stone. I watch, it seems so slow, so very slow and otherworldly and i feel the weight of the rock in his hand. I feel the effort as he throws back his arm in preparation. He throws and turns his head for it is clear that he does not want to behold the result of his throw. The rock passes by my ear and clatters to the rocks behind but though i hear every sound i heed it not for now i watch as all stoop and reach for their stone. I see their lips move. A silent litany that i join.

The rocks are flying now and i feel the first stab of pain though it seems more like a caress. I watch in fascination as they let fly their blessings, none it seems will look where their stone might land though i reach out to them to tell them not to worry, that i feel only relief.

My mind is slipping away now for i have taken many wounds and death is near. I watch he who i have most harmed stoop and carefully choose a stone. His eyes are full of tears but resolute as he takes careful aim and hurls. And now i can rest.

and you and i and God i cry

how you fare from day to day
as each is further from us
how you survive the pain
are you recovered now?
what thoughts you have...
i wish to hold your hand and say it is ok
but you are taken away for good
or ill
(and i'm still sick oh yes)
thoughts of you still fill my waking life
my dreams now are suppressed
for fear of thoughts that terrify

drunken nights alone
the shower for my rain
until it runs as cold as the death of us
and staggering, broken, death demands
i cry
aloud
and pitiously wimper to my bed
oh where are you my love and how
and why oh why the stars so intricate
did wheel away our fire
so now like frescoe hands but further
aye, much further
and still i cry
and what hope?

i seek now only God
and dare the Galileo Clan
to take that too
but we are stronger
God and I
than me and you
at least enough
i pray

gone

1998

I was once a poet
full of words and song
but that was yesterday
and yesterday is gone

So it Goes

1998

so it goes
and so it should
but then of course
we knew it would

Dream

1998

the torment of my mind is but a shadow of a dream
where all the way i run to find a place where i can scream
and i am lost inside myself not knowing where i go
and words just flow from somewhere else just why i never know
they flow from me unbidden and come to life themselves
in streams of understanding where my wonder often dwells
and here again am i in search of where it is i go
but there is never clue or reason just that it is so

The World Set Free

1998

i wish with all my heart and soul a better man to be
than what i feel that i am now or failing i might be
that i might love my brother even as i love myself
is all that i aspire to do and all i want as wealth

i look at what i've done til now and realise the truth
that i have really done so little good with no excuse
i've placed my feelings to the fore forgetting those who weep
with hearts all torn and battered though they pray before they sleep

they pray for me unknowing that i've taken all they give
and now i feel the pang of guilt: they suffer and i live
The simple problems i endure seem nothing to the tide
of endless human suffering i see and feel inside

oh how can i make my amends and find that peace within
that comes from having given all oh where shall i begin?
For giving all is hardest yet when all has been hard won
and now that i have everything why should it be undone?

and there i see my weakness, my fall from grace revealed
that i wont offer up my lot so all the world is healed
and just as i am selfish and full of fear and greed
there walketh all my brothers too and all my brothers seed

what simple rule of Law revealed can make of me a man
what rule of thumb what simple guide what everlasting plan?
for now i need more than i am to be what i should be
'cause i am just a simple man who wants the world set free

a cast-off wasted monument

1998

I finally realised that i
       was wasting all my time
beseeching and emploring you
       to understand my mind
for you don't care you've had your fun
       and i'm a consequence
and though my life has been destroyed
       i have no sound defence
for you have made of me a lamb
       a sacrificial fool
a cast-off wasted monument
       to men who are but tools
for each and every wanton slut
       who's fickle short-term lust
has made of us a piece of meat
       and turned our hearts to dust

Dry Well

1998

i look up from my deep pit of depression
and see the brightness of the world
inviting but unreachable

In the darkness of my despair
i shake with the cold of my loneliness

a scream for help echoes up the walls of my pain
but disappears like a puff of smoke
into the uncaring brightness above

i am not so foolish as to expect a savior
i have examined my suffering walls well
i know every flaw and possible hold

i have tried many times to make my way out
but always i fall back
to my harsh rocks of solitude
where only an eternity of crying
offers hope of escape

I woke with you

1998

I lay dozing in my tiny hotel room
slowly awakening with you behind
clutching me asleep.
At peace and happy i reached to touch the hand on my chest
then i awoke, for you were not there.
I sat for a while, lost, alone
the urge to be with people took me
and i fled my lonely room
taking refuge at a burger king table.
I ate, drank, smoked
and looked at the women
then the tears came and I fled again
back to my empty room
and my pen.

where now is my fire?

1998

where now is my fire?
all that seems left is a husk, blackened, twisted
my words clipped, stilted, boring
my thoughts, even of you, tired
i long for the power of passion
that thrusts my whole being to the peak of its ability
but all i have is this limited intellect
crushingly boring

sometimes i wake

1998

sometimes i wake so sure you called my name
then later, lucid
acceptence and denial struggle out a truce
of maybe's

again i hear your words and see your face
again i feel our pain
i miss your lovely words
like soft rain upon my back
the constant simple praise
that calmed my tortured soul

i'll pretend that it is so

A Dedication

1998


all that i write
is all that i am
and all i will be
and all that i plan

and right at the core
of all that is me
is a child of the waves
for she set me free

so these poems are hers
i relinquish all claim
and as long as i live
it's her you should blame

:~)

Come Death

1998

come death
come quick
let me pass
give me your tick
i've nothing here
take me away
she is gone
take me i pray

Heaven and Hell

1998

from bottom to top
i've walked the path
and back again
but that's not half
i've been to heaven
now to hell
and here i fear
is where i'll dwell

I threw bread upon the water

1998

I went to the river
and threw bread upon the water
and my dumb dog
dragged it back sodden
and dropped it in my lap

then he shook himself dry
all over my self-contempt
and grinned his dumb grin
as if to say
"it could be worse"

true love lost

1998

There was really only you and I but then the others came
with stars and cards and even friends to douse our vital flame
and though with honour we did walk and truth was in our hearts
it fell in ruin and we are lost and forever now apart

I guess that i am most to blame for patience have i none
and though i tried to quell my heart our love was all undone
now all alone to walk this earth with nowhere i can rest
for you to me are lost it seems and i have failed the test

I'll wait and maybe time will break the bonds that hold you fast
and on some distant future day we'll make another start
On that fine day a call will come or letter in the mail
that all my life i will expect for true love never fails

Again will you and i be one as we were meant to be
and from that day forever more our love will be set free
So love me yet and don't forget what we together shared
for it was ours and ours alone and we were rightly paired

So love me yet and don't forget what we together share
for it is ours and ours alone and I hope you still care

all that's left is dreams

1998

I walk on lonely through this life
a smile upon my face
but in my heart is emptiness
it is a hollow place.

I'll find a way to give to all
what they are sure to lack
but i will never have my peace
and there is no way back.

I have no skill with anything
that has much worth at all
a trickle here or there of words
but then i drop the ball.

I've tried a time or two to find
some love to fill my life
succeeded once in all these years
but she is someone's wife.

A simple friendship innocent
across an ocean wide
of simple thoughts and kindly words
but then the friendship died

For we forgot the world at large
and everything that means
and now we both have lost it all
and all that's left is dreams

Come to me oh Irish

1998

come to me oh Irish and do what you do well
i've hunger for your amber ways and with you i would dwell
i've many reasons good and bad with you to share some time
and you have never let me down but that's true of your kind

so come and make me what i'd be and let me pain forget
and we will up and down a spell - you'll be my best friend yet
i've never known the likes of you to fall below the mark
though emptiness between us both has drowned my vital spark

your heavy crystal friendship often finds me at my best
or worst maybe but that's just half and you provide the rest
i guess that's why i've loved your ways each time we've done our dance
there's nothing that looks quite as good as that which you enhance

so let us do our best to make an effort to forget
and drown our troubled souls with what with you i always get
and so it seems my life will be as well it might or stop
but you my friend will always be, upon my shealth, the top

Hope

1998

my flame i know burns pure and clean
and though i stand alone
i hope that i will find a dream
and not be left as stone

but where to look and why at all
is what i can not stand
for looking will defeat the goal
and love cannot be planned

it takes a while for me to trust
and open up my heart
for what i've had has turned to dust
and torn my heart apart

so love for me takes many years
and even then i quake
for always i've been left in tears
and all my life's at stake

and now again it seems i've lost
and lost far more than hope
for i had found my dream at last
so how then shall i cope?

The sad sad cries of children lost

1998

i heard our children calling
calling in my dream
beseeching me, emploring
demanding that they be

i heard their pain and anguish
i heard their strong demands
then i awoke drenched in their cries
and now i wring my hands

for they are of a future
but one that cannot be
a universe that almost was
made by you and me

and now i know the answer
the meaning of our pain
depression is like prophecy
we see our children slain

a brave new world was made by us
some time there in the past
with every detail it required
eternity to last

then we succumbed to other worlds
to other's lies and fears
and let our dream be shattered
but forgot our children's tears

so while we work to let it go
and lay our love to rest
the sad sad cries of children lost
will be our biggest test

Dinner Alone

1998

the gentle murmur of the voices
a sudden joyous laugh
and over here a rising enthusiasm swamps
for a time
before blending back
into the pleasant din of my kind
I close my eyes and listen for my own voice
amongst the sounds
but any could be mine or none
for i sit here alone

i gaze amidst the faces
the couples, young and old
close and distant
the occasional almost flirtatious contact with the eyes
of another
the smiles and the general gaiety lift me
and soon i'm drifting with the flow
for this is togetherness
as much as it might ever be
for i sit here alone

A lot to sing about

1998

my life has been an endless flow of problems poorly met
and people i have not allowed my heart to not forget
and here now as i see the end not far from where i sit
it comes to me i've let a lot go by and let life slip

So what i do from here on in as i work to the end
will have to be a better go and that's what i intend
i know that if i focus on the things that really count
my life will be a tapestry of actions all devout

for all must die and all we leave are signs that others see
that mark the way to where they might and where they might not be
and better markers left in place will light the path that's true
and i can not believe that there is better I could do

my gift with words i sought it not but so it seems to me
that i have now a purpose that is clear and right and free
of any failing that might make a focus for attack
and so i know that as i walk i needn't watch my back

i've turned the other cheek to those i've suffered from before
and now i find their love emerging even though they're poor
for riches in the heart are really what it's all about
and so my friends there is a path and i am but a scout

so brighten up and hold your head up high as you live on
for you are as a king or poet, filled with power and song
and once you have like me found out that life is really good
you too might seek to spread this news and so it is you should

so spread it wide and feel secure that love is all we need
to make the world a better place and conquer fear and greed
for fear and greed are just the signs that we are full of doubt
and once that doubt is gone there is a lot to sing about

Ho Hum

1998

today i pick myself up
and start again

a friend told me to look to the heavens and smile
and remember those other moments
for memories, unlike dreams, can not be shattered

so i gave up trying
to mend a shattered dream
and i let the broken pieces fall from my grasp

"it is better to have loved" said a poet
yes, i accept that it is

but dreams are the measure of us
and for some
dreams come but once or twice
in a lifetime

ho hum

Offering

1998

the sun in blazing fire torments the drying land
the mountains shrunk in glare seem far away
i wander without reason about a shadowy stand
for what is in my mind i can not say

a small and wispy shadow flits across my sight
but when i look i see there's nothing there
then all at once a vision that fills my eyes with light
has taken me and made me all aware

and in this vision splendid I see a little girl
her hair is dark and so too are her eyes
upon her hand a token - a shining silver pearl
that springs to life and rises to the sky

above me then it hovers and all about my feet
a soft and silver light begins to shine
the girl it seems has vanished into the noon-day heat
and i am all alone with light divine

then all at once a poem that springs into my mind
is there as if the words were cast in gold
and suddenly it's over the vision now behind
and all that's left is this the poem told


if you liked this you might also like "Soul Fire"

Jasmine

1998

"i wondered a while then i wandered away"
these are the words that Jasmine did say
and who is this girl whose words you are told?
well she's my friend and she's 2 years old

world of candles

1998


A long time ago there was a world of candles.

In this world there were big candles, little candles, candles with blue flames, candles with red flames and every sort of candle you could imagine.

And this world was full of happy candles for each candle knew itself and was fullfilled. If you had been there you would have heard them happily flickering their songs

"i'm blue, yippee, i'm blue"

or

"i'm red, yippee, i'm red"

and

"i'm big, yippee, i'm big"

there were even candles in love

"we're purple, yippee, we're purple"

and all of the candles were aware of their power for they knew that each and every one had the power to set the world aflame - if any candle ever spluttered out, any candle could happily and easily rekindle that candle. For that is the nature of fire - it does not limit itself to any one type of candle.

One day a darkness that was not night came to the world of candles and spoke to a happy yellow candle saying

"why are you not green - green candles are better - don't you wish that you were green too?"

and the happy little candle was suddenly sad and wanted to be a green candle

"i want to be green, i want to be green"

and soon the darkness had moved to many candles spreading its nastyness so that before long the world was filled with unhappy candles all wanting to be like other candles.

The unhappy candles even created Laws that stated that no candle was allowed to express itself differently to any other candle and that all candles were allowed to be equal to every other candle. So that it was legal for a green candle to be a yellow candle if that's what it wanted to be.

And the darkness now spoke to each of the unhappy candles telling each that to be a different candle it would have to give up being itself - for how could a candle be green if it was yellow?

so slowly, one by one the candles started to go out

now, amongst the candles who were still happy was one who burned with a bright white light and this candle was a wise candle for it had burned for many years and had seen many candles.

The darkness came to this candle and whispered

"are you not unhappy that you are not a big new candle?"

but the bright white candle was not going to listen to this for it knew that it was happy as it was and nothing was ever going to change that and that if it let itself be swayed by the darkness then one by one all the other candles would splutter out and then true darkness would decend upon the world

So it called upon itself to make an enourmous effort and gave a great flare that exposed the darkeness for what it was - and the darkness was gone. But so too was the candle for it had burnt up all that remained of itself to save the world.

and all the other candles that were still alight saw the sudden brilliant flare of the candle passing away and they saw too the darkness banished and they all cried with one voice

"you're white, you're white"

and one by one they realised that they were themselves again

"i'm blue, yippee"

"i'm red, yippee"

"i'm big, yippee"

and then the candles that were spluttered out were re-kindled and all the candles were happy for they knew that as long as there was one wise candle amongst them who was happy to give everything for the others that no darkness could ever conquer the world of candles

and they lived happily ever afterwards

Stupid

1998

stupid is as stupid does
and i'm the stupidist there was

when i go wish upon a star
i don't know where the dambed things are

i thought that i could count and add
but 1+1 means i'm a dad

i doubt i'll ever find a job
because i dress like such a slob

and though i think that i'm a hunk
the girls all run like i'm a skunk

playing poker is my game
win lose or draw it's all the same

money i can always get
just where i put it i forget

it's faith i lack - that's why i'm dumb
i guess i'll always be a bum

i make mistakes that cost the world
so in the end i'll lose the girl

True Freedom

1998

life is short and life is hard
and seldom is there hope
and rarely do we find in it
an easy way to cope

but life is good and life is long
if what you feel is love
for that is where the strength is found
that lets us climb above

so climb those stairs and free yourself
to life that's long and good
and when you're free you'll laugh and sing
to see the place you stood

and from your stronger vantage point
when you are looking back
you'll have the strength to offer aid
to those still on the track

and such is life for those who love
and love with all their heart
for love is what true freedom is
you've known that from the start

Cast in Wood

1998

i'm just your aid-de-camp my love
your shield and spear of wood
your famous poet visionary
cast by one who could

you've used the lowest basest things
to make your weapon strong
against the foes of tyranny
you've fought for oh so long

and why my soul you chose to use
seems obvious to me
for i am one who knows the truth
that you would need to see

and why it is that i can speak
as with the mouth of God
i guess that's between you and Him
but so - i am your rod

your rod of truth your words of power
your brightness and your fame
and all you had to cast me with
was your eternal flame

Love Chains

1998

if i love her with all my heart
but tie her with that rope
i've made of love an evil thing
and fouled all dreams and hope

for sure as life is short and grim
for those who are not bold
a life of binding her with love
proves nothing from that hold

for is it not so clear and true
that any spirit caged
will seek escape from where it is
and be with all enraged?

unless of course i want a pet
a timid soul and weak
a piece of meat, a blow-up bag
but is that what i seek?

i want a mighty soul to take
and make of me a man
for in such union surely
there can be no better plan?

it's only weak and timid men
who seek to bind their wives
for men of fiber true and strong
seek honest open lives

so come and hear me brothers
come hearken to my plea
seek not to bind your wives at all
and let them know they're free

and if you're worth a damn at all
you'll find a big surprise
that women everywhere will seek
and praise you to the skies

Soul Fire

1998

long time ago a simple soul was lost unto this world
abandoning all dreams and goals and caring not at all
and as the years unfolded and darkness settled in
this small and hidden soul was sheltered - hiding deep within

though many tried to pry it loose exposing it to life
it held on to its darkness and was free form care and strife
and so it went year in year out as all the world went by
until at last this tiny thing was such that it would die

and then a mighty soul but lost in depths that were its own
dug deep and would not be withheld and turned up every stone
ignoring any barrier or darkness in it's path
until it found what it had sought: it's long lost other half

so now where once were two lost souls who'd given up desire
are two strong growing souls aflame - entwined eternal fire
and balanced now with all of life and hope and dreams divine
are two who are as one again and such is God's design


if you liked this you might also like "Because of you and me"

So you want to be a poet?

1998

so you want to be a poet?
i advise ya mate to stow't
it eats your time and money
and there ain't no flamin' honey

and half the bloody words you need
just wont agree to rhyme
or you'll mix up all your (what's the word?)
i do it all the time

but if you're set
on it
mate
just tear out one huge sonnet
great!

and here i think i'll end this verse
but that's ok 'cause it's so long

doh

These useless words

1998

how can i cry with words?
these tools are so useless
here, with my heart breaking
and all of my soul aflame
all i have is these stupid words

i go out and scream at the emptiness
and scream and scream and scream myself to awareness
of pointlessness
and more despair
that even my screams are of useless words

i cry but even the stupid medium
does not allow my tears to show
a stain for all the world to see
"look he cried - there are his faded tears"
and not even a stumbling pen can i show

and what for this need to show i cry?
what point could i make if there was one word
that spoke "PAIN" so loudly that all the world
would turn and see me
cry?

Parting

1998

i could have done it better
i think it's all been told
but i feel i have to say it
before we grow too old
and when at last you understand
i know it will be clear
that all the hurting things i said
were only said in fear

and as we grow our separate ways
from darkness unto light
and find the secrets we desire
and find our hopes so bright
i hope that looking back to now
and what we had before
will bring a smile onto our lips
and who could ask for more?

i hope that all you want in life
is still there in your dreams
and all the future steps you take
run like a flowing stream
down to the shore of your desire
and ever lasting sea
of the things that you can still become
and all you want to be

Jealousy

1998

i sought a pearl beneath the waves
and found there one devine
a true unfettered spirit
good soul and body fine

i tried to be a husband
but failed with jealousy
that she is a woman
is plain enough to see

i tried to keep her to myself
i tried to lock her in
and tried and tried to be the best
that she could ever win

but though i sought her passion
her love and all her soul
behind the bars of my despair
she yearned another goal

And so the years have vanished
and all have been in pain
for i have tried to cage a soul
but nothing did i gain

We make the world we live in
and struggle with our lot
with little clear direction
we tie a lifetimes knot

but it is all illusion
and paper has no life
the only way is freedom
if you want a loving wife

and now at last i understand
i hope it's not to late
for me to make a better me
and learn from my mistake

and though you might think i'm ok
and she is all of sin
look in your heart and ask yourself
if you'd have locked her in

At how the river roars

1998

i saw God sitting on a log
down by the river clean
smiling out towards the dawn
at secrets there unseen

What makes you smile? i called aloud
what happiness is yours?
A broader smile and then the words
"at how the river roars"

i pondered then these words awhile
and sought the sound referred
but all i heard was trickling
and the chirping of a bird

i hear it not oh God of all
why do you jest me so?
and then again that beaming smile
"I think you really know"

Again i thought about God's words
and still i could not see
Oh God can you please speak more plain
with less complexity?

And smiling now from ear to ear
God looked into my eyes
"Look deep within your soul my child
you'll find there a surprise"

i tried my best to look within
and focused all my will
i sought what God was speaking of
but it was hidden still

Oh God i feel that i am wont
and all my faith is flawed
but God just smiled and let me stew
while close the river roared

the river roared i heard indeed
a sudden flood of rain
had swept down on the mountains high
and to the river drained

and then at last it came to me
why God was smiling still
at hand was my awakening
i felt a rising thrill

Oh God i see i see at last
and now is all revealed
"Go forth My Child and spread Our Love
and know the world is healed"


if you liked this you might also like "Offering"

Be Free

1998

Be strong, be free
and be yourself
a little while at least

walk free the earth
breath free the air
and make your life a feast

take anything
your needs desire
eat any fruit that falls

make all the world
your own for now
walk any vaulted halls

ignore your codes
cast guilt aside
and savor what God gives

for God loves all
and you for sure
as anyone who lives

eat lustily
of anything
you've not allowed yourself

and take those
guarded hopes and dreams
down from that dusty shelf

and when you're done
and feel secure
that you are strong and free

i will be waiting
patiently
for you to come to me

Why we sing

1998

i am
and about me there is sound
my mothers heart
and singing
i am happy when she sings
and there far off and muffled
others sing

i see
as with a rush exploding
i am one with the sea
and singing!
all about me singing
and i am happiness
and freedom

i follow
mother singing
father, brothers, sisters singing
as we eat and fly and love
our happiness is a song
of joy
the world is ours

we hunger
no food is here
and it is time to go
no singing for we listen
listen for a sign
which way to go
if mother doesn't know?

i hear
others singing
not our singing but alike
they are happy
and we shall sing there too
but it is far
we go

i listen
all are quiet
all listen
no singing
mother dives deep
listening
where is happiness?

we wait
we listen
we know not where to go
the world is shrinking
trapped between heaven and hell
we are lost
no song

and far away
another group who followed
our happiness
wait stranded in the ocean
but our happiness is stilled
and our song is gone
forever

Because of you and me

1998

When we are one the world will be a better place to live
there will be less unhappiness, more love around to give
more happy smiling faces will be seen about the land
and as time flies there will be more who simply understand

When we are one together in each others warm embrace
more hope, more dreams, more peace will be within the human race
for we will be the center of a happiness profound
and from that center outwards love will spread to all around

When we have found each other and each others happiness
the world will be a better place and problems will be less
a simple glowing magic from our core of growing love
will brighten all the world around and all the sky above

When all our hopes are realised and all our dreams come true
we'll know that at the center there was always me and you
and hand in hand down lifes long road of all there is to be
the world will be a better place because of you and me

New Zealand Secret

1998

There is a secret place that few New Zealanders have seen
where lakes are pure, the mountains high and rivers fast and clean
where quiet alpine scenery surrounds a boundless sky
and simple carefree people wave to every passer-by

This place is isolated from life's normal cares and woes
and thanks to circumstances prices there are still quite low
there's all the valued services from shops to restaurants
and friendly country inns where keepers cater to your wants

The local river runs all year an easy walk from town
with swimming holes and willow trees and fish i'm told abound
the suns rays on the water like a zillion diamonds gleam
with cool and crystal pools surrounded by a wondrous scene

In winter the whole town can be just like a fairy tale
with frosted trees and bushes framing every snow clad trail
and every home's a warm embracing invitation free
of all your city worries and life's animosity

The spring and autumn sun-sets here just take away your breath
and fantastic mountain thunder storms that scare you half-to-death
and spring-melt alpine river flows canoers seek in droves
will guarantee you're absolutely thrilled down to your toes

i could go on forever 'cause it's easy when it's true
though you might not believe in all the great things here to do
so i'll just let you know the name in case you're driving past
the town is known as Twizel it's MacKenzie Country's Heart



check out Twizel: Hoar frost covers Twizel

Alone

1997

The nights are long without your breath
upon my face to feel
and waking up without you near
takes all the day to heal.
Another night draws closer now
again i am alone
and knowing you are far away
just turns my heart to stone
but brightly i will face my days
the nights i will endure
for soon i'll hold you in my arms
tou jours my love tou jours