why do you not seek me out?

1998


I know that you are lonely
like me you feel alone
and we are not the only ones
from whom the "life" as flown

but really you revel in it
(or you and I would meet)
for something stops you wanting love
(so why then do you bleat?)

I'm alone, and cry for help
for just a quiet friend
who'll care not "what" i am or "who"
and seeks no other end

a quiet friend to share some words
a true and honest test
of what lies at the heart of you
and what in me is best

cry out to me I beg of you
cry out and call my name
cry out to me when you're in need
cry out when you're aflame

but no, I think we'll never meet
we'll never share some time
we'll never find a common ground
and it seems to me a crime

for I will sit and click and hope
that mail to me has come
from someone who has thoughts of me
oh God let there be some

Oh God let there be some

Let he who is without sin

They have come. They came in quiet groups, some alone, others with their children. Sitting here on the hard ground, numb from my night in the cold, numb from all the months of turmoil and pain, i thought at first that they had tied me here to spend the night in contemplation of my sin - but now i see their eyes i know that it was not so. They, it seems, are the ones about to die. There is pain in every face. Even the children seem to understand. I feel a cold tear form and role down my face as my gaze meets the eyes of the ones i have hurt. I look for hatred and maybe it is there but i see only pain.

The first man stoops and picks up a stone. I watch, it seems so slow, so very slow and otherworldly and i feel the weight of the rock in his hand. I feel the effort as he throws back his arm in preparation. He throws and turns his head for it is clear that he does not want to behold the result of his throw. The rock passes by my ear and clatters to the rocks behind but though i hear every sound i heed it not for now i watch as all stoop and reach for their stone. I see their lips move. A silent litany that i join.

The rocks are flying now and i feel the first stab of pain though it seems more like a caress. I watch in fascination as they let fly their blessings, none it seems will look where their stone might land though i reach out to them to tell them not to worry, that i feel only relief.

My mind is slipping away now for i have taken many wounds and death is near. I watch he who i have most harmed stoop and carefully choose a stone. His eyes are full of tears but resolute as he takes careful aim and hurls. And now i can rest.

and you and i and God i cry

how you fare from day to day
as each is further from us
how you survive the pain
are you recovered now?
what thoughts you have...
i wish to hold your hand and say it is ok
but you are taken away for good
or ill
(and i'm still sick oh yes)
thoughts of you still fill my waking life
my dreams now are suppressed
for fear of thoughts that terrify

drunken nights alone
the shower for my rain
until it runs as cold as the death of us
and staggering, broken, death demands
i cry
aloud
and pitiously wimper to my bed
oh where are you my love and how
and why oh why the stars so intricate
did wheel away our fire
so now like frescoe hands but further
aye, much further
and still i cry
and what hope?

i seek now only God
and dare the Galileo Clan
to take that too
but we are stronger
God and I
than me and you
at least enough
i pray

gone

1998

I was once a poet
full of words and song
but that was yesterday
and yesterday is gone

So it Goes

1998

so it goes
and so it should
but then of course
we knew it would

Dream

1998

the torment of my mind is but a shadow of a dream
where all the way i run to find a place where i can scream
and i am lost inside myself not knowing where i go
and words just flow from somewhere else just why i never know
they flow from me unbidden and come to life themselves
in streams of understanding where my wonder often dwells
and here again am i in search of where it is i go
but there is never clue or reason just that it is so

The World Set Free

1998

i wish with all my heart and soul a better man to be
than what i feel that i am now or failing i might be
that i might love my brother even as i love myself
is all that i aspire to do and all i want as wealth

i look at what i've done til now and realise the truth
that i have really done so little good with no excuse
i've placed my feelings to the fore forgetting those who weep
with hearts all torn and battered though they pray before they sleep

they pray for me unknowing that i've taken all they give
and now i feel the pang of guilt: they suffer and i live
The simple problems i endure seem nothing to the tide
of endless human suffering i see and feel inside

oh how can i make my amends and find that peace within
that comes from having given all oh where shall i begin?
For giving all is hardest yet when all has been hard won
and now that i have everything why should it be undone?

and there i see my weakness, my fall from grace revealed
that i wont offer up my lot so all the world is healed
and just as i am selfish and full of fear and greed
there walketh all my brothers too and all my brothers seed

what simple rule of Law revealed can make of me a man
what rule of thumb what simple guide what everlasting plan?
for now i need more than i am to be what i should be
'cause i am just a simple man who wants the world set free

a cast-off wasted monument

1998

I finally realised that i
       was wasting all my time
beseeching and emploring you
       to understand my mind
for you don't care you've had your fun
       and i'm a consequence
and though my life has been destroyed
       i have no sound defence
for you have made of me a lamb
       a sacrificial fool
a cast-off wasted monument
       to men who are but tools
for each and every wanton slut
       who's fickle short-term lust
has made of us a piece of meat
       and turned our hearts to dust

Dry Well

1998

i look up from my deep pit of depression
and see the brightness of the world
inviting but unreachable

In the darkness of my despair
i shake with the cold of my loneliness

a scream for help echoes up the walls of my pain
but disappears like a puff of smoke
into the uncaring brightness above

i am not so foolish as to expect a savior
i have examined my suffering walls well
i know every flaw and possible hold

i have tried many times to make my way out
but always i fall back
to my harsh rocks of solitude
where only an eternity of crying
offers hope of escape

I woke with you

1998

I lay dozing in my tiny hotel room
slowly awakening with you behind
clutching me asleep.
At peace and happy i reached to touch the hand on my chest
then i awoke, for you were not there.
I sat for a while, lost, alone
the urge to be with people took me
and i fled my lonely room
taking refuge at a burger king table.
I ate, drank, smoked
and looked at the women
then the tears came and I fled again
back to my empty room
and my pen.